Hiding behind the curtain.

This started out as a comment to a post from my friend, Rabbi Amy Small, but as I was composing it, I realized that it's context was better suited to its own post.

In my minds eye, the ability to laugh at oneself is a both an indication of how one enjoys life as well as a marker of one's confidence in living. At a Purim play and carnival, Rabbi Amy Joy Small took on some rather unconventional roles that evidently caused some to pause. Why? Perhaps because she was acting outside of how a Rabbi is stereotypically perceived. To varying degrees, I think the title "Rabbi" generally evokes images of a more dour, serious and older male in most people. Further, I think synagogue evokes the image of a sacred, serious and somewhat solemn place controlled by a rigid hierarchy of wise and near perfect learned men.

With no disrespect intended, its all a bit like the Wizard of Oz as presented in the film; an awe inspiring individual whose perceived power lies in his mastery of arcane information. He resides in the most sacred section of the great Emerald City, protected by guards and limiting his contact with the citizenry who look to him for leadership and guidance. As such, his legend and mystique are based more upon managed perception then the actuality of deeds and character. It is only when this "wizard" is inadvertently unveiled by an animal, which is immune to the crafted personae, is revealed to be a mere man hiding behind a curtain, that the "wizard" acknowledges his humanity, faults and all. By understanding and accepting his own shortcomings rather than focusing on living up to the image he created, he is now free to see the strengths of others and he is able to open their eyes to these qualities.

In actuality a Rabbi puts on her pants one leg at a time (just like everyone else) and a synagogue is just a structure where the congregation (i.e. community) can gather together. What makes our congregation both distinct and appealing to many is that our shared humanity, quirks and strengths are honestly embraced and accepted. A culture of seeing everyone as a person who has value and must be respected is continually emphasized and fostered. And this does not just apply to congregants or even just Jews, but to all individuals.  I saw this immediately when as a family we joined many years ago (it was at my wife's behest as I had no desire to join anything). I have continually told my kids that our synagogue, our congregation is a place where you can see how regular people, including clergy, lay leadership and members all bring in divergent perspectives and idiosyncrasies but they are united by the goal of trying act unselfishly, responsibly and with true concern for others. And by others, I mean all others. That is the ultimate take away and that is why we belong here.

Don't ever for one second believe that you are in control.

About 9 1/2 years ago, a friend of mine was about to a begin working at a new firm. He pursued this position diligently, lobbying hard, selling his qualifications and the potential impact he could have on the company's business. And when he was chosen, he was truly elated, as this position afforded him an phenomenal opportunity to advance in his career. So one beautiful late summer morning he woke up extra early, left his home in northern NJ and arrived eagerly at his new employer. Upon arrival, he was undoubtedly presented with stacks of forms from HR and left in some cubicle to fill them out alone. Then the first plane crashed into the tower. He left behind a wife and small kids, one just barely a year old.

This past Friday, the 15 year old son of friends left for an adventure as an exchange student. He too was undoubtedly excited about the wonderful experiences and opportunities that would unfold over the next 4 months. He would meet new friends, experience a new culture and elevate his Spanish skills to a new level. And then with in 24 hours of his arrival in Santiago, one of the largest earthquakes in  modern times struck Chile.  Fortunately, he was unharmed but the last that I heard, he has still yet to actually speak to his parents.

These are 2 personal examples of the world being turned upside down instantly; one caused by the senseless yet well planned action of a few men and another brought on seemingly at random by our very world. No one is immune from these exogenous events. They may not be life threatening but your life will be changed. While you can't control external factors, you can control yourself. The only course of action is to simply accept the reality of the situation and respond appropriately.  Whether that is making a last call to your wife and telling her that you love her or working closely with others for a common goal. Regardless of the outcome, every situation, good or bad,  whether we realize it or not, presents us with an opportunity. It may not be the opportunity that we are looking for or one that we even want, but we don't have that choice. However we do have the choice, or rather the responsibility to ourselves, to see these opportunities and seize them. Our lives are composed of a continuous stream of these moments. Don't waste them. Make each one count. Make every moment your last moment.

Michael, you will not forgotten. Zach we all look forward to your safe return.

I don't care if you don't care.

No, I am not referring to the lyrics of Green Day's Jesus of Suburbia. It is how I continually explain to my kids, my brother and even my parents that I will support, help out and get involved in various aspects of their lives, but they need to lead. It is their lives, their choices. If its important to them, then it is important to me. If they are not going to take a stake in something, make the required investment and demonstrate effort, then they should not expect me to take responsibility for it.

The other night my brother called up and asked me to come over and help him out with something. It was late, the streets were icy and it would have been really inconvenient for me to drive the 30 minutes over to his place. I asked him to look for something, with the intent of eventually trying to talk him through what needed do be done and then if he could not do it, I would come over. But it didn't happen that way. He got annoyed and told me that he was not good at this kind of thing and he didn't want to look for the wire that I asked him to find. So I said good bye and hung up.

The next morning he called again and told me that he didn't appreciate how I acted or spoke to him. He was really angry. I said to him, "if you don't care enough about your own situation to try and work through it, then frankly I don't care either. If you call me up and ask for my help at 10:00 PM but can't take the time or show some effort and look for the wire that you need to solve your problem, you can't possibly expect me stop what I am doing and come over to your place."

He calmed down and thanked me for explaining my position to him. So I told him what to look for and we began working through his problem. And it was my pleasure to help him out.

You can't get there from here, because you are already there.

My friend, Rabbi Amy Joy Small, posted an article that illustrates how we can long for and even try to chase down simplicity but never actually achieve it. She points out that it is not just about doing less stuff, but that we actually need to take time for ourselves, to replenish and regain our perspective. For example, after a challenging day, Rabbi Amy comes home and says that she wants to be a muffin maker in her next life (how many Rabbis do you know that not only address but are making plans for their reincarnation?). But then she quickly recognizes that this is simply a transient reaction to the frustrations of her day, which still linger, fresh in her mind. And with that, she lets go of both the day and its associated stresses.

I would take her concept even further. From my perspective it is not about doing anything, be it doing more or doing less; it is about how we, as individuals, choose to perceive our own situations in any given moment. For example, on Monday you hate your job and you are determined to quit. On Tuesday you are let go. On Wednesday you wake up and desperately long for the job that you were about to quit 2 days before. Would you feel different if you actually quit on Monday? The end result is the same, it is just your perception of the moment that is different.

I've written about how our science is unable to understand or even identify what makes up "reality". Frankly it doesn't (or isn't) matter. Actuality simply is. Reality is an illusion, it is what we each choose to impart to actuality. My reality is not your reality. And its not hers or the cat in the box's reality. While they are all separate and distinct, they share many overlapping points of commonality which conveniently provide us with a frame of reference in which can interact and share experiences. It is those shared experiences, the interactions with those we love and care about, caring about and extending help to those who we don't and may never know and simply finding the value in a given moment which impart that elusive satisfaction into our own lives.

Lemonade: the movie

This is worth 35 minutes of your time. Things happen. Sometimes things happen that you just can't control. Stop reacting and start responding. Don't waste your time. Don't waste your life. Close your eyes and sit quietly. Deep down inside you know exactly what you want to do. What you need to do. Hold that thought for the next 35 minutes. Watch this movie. Be inspired. Be inspiring. Technorati Tags: Lemonade, responding

Uninvited to the party.

An old college friend brought this poll to my attention. It was taken by phone and comprised of 2003 registered Republicans that were spread across the US. The actual results of the poll are not surprising to me, they just clearly illustrate the degree of polarization that has taken hold among the US population.

I was a life long Republican, but over the last several years, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with many of the positions that the party has adopted. Positions, which I consider so extreme, that I can no longer participate in the process, within that framework. That said, the Democrats have also staked out some extreme positions, all be it, polar opposite from their Republican contemporaries. And as a consequence, our political system (in the US) seems to be caught between the proverbial irresistible force and the immovable object. From my perspective, politics on both sides of the aisle, are increasingly defined by personal agendas, short-sighted reasoning and intractable positions designed to remake the social fabric of the country into their respective images. The system has devolved into a battlefield of a zero sum ideological civil war, where the biggest losers are the ordinary citizens, whose interests, these politicos ostensibly represent.

When our nation was founded, assuming the mantle leadership resulted in significant personal sacrifices for the participating individuals. Most left behind farms, businesses and families in order to serve their fellow citizens. Being human, they certainly had differing opinions, personal quirks and were undoubtedly subject to the same desires, prejudices and insecurities that plague us today. However they somehow managed, as individuals, to transcend their petty differences and personal weaknesses and embrace a commonality of purpose thus governing with higher ideals.

So where are those men and women today who can govern in that same spirit of unity for the clear benefit of the entire citizenry and our nation's future? I believe that for the most part, these individuals are already in place. They simply need to remember why they are there in the first place and they too can cast aside divisive reactionary behaviors and move beyond petty agendas. However it is incumbent upon us, as citizens, to remind them of who they can become and what they can accomplish. Now lets do our part so they can do theirs.

Technorati Tags: Republican, Democrat, Daily Kos

now easier and more convenient than ever...

I am both surprised and humbled by the continual increase in traffic to this blog. To those that take the time to read it, I genuinely thank you. In an effort to make it both more accessible and convenient, I have set-up parallel feeds on Google’s blogspot service and the Wordpress hosted service.  If you find this blog useful, insightful or entertaining in anyway, I would sincerely appreciate it if you recommend it to a friend.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read Consensual Delusion. I look forward to your comments and suggestions.

DK

What matters most.

Last weekend, Number Two was Bar Mitzvah'd. Towards the end of the service, Number One, my wife and I, all had the opportunity to individually address Number Two and the 250 or so people in attendance. I took the podium after they both finished. As the  audience was enjoying my intentionally humorous dialogue, it was abruptly interrupted by something just short of wrestling match, described by one guest as "a refreshing and honest public display of family dysfunction". Number Two turned off my microphone. Number One hijacked my "flowchart". And on a live mic, my wife was insisting that my talk was too long. As a consequence, I only got to present the funny stuff, which while enjoyable to the audience, left me a bit unfulfilled.

So this past Saturday night, at a fund raiser, I was given the opportunity to finish my speech. I began by giving the audience the back-story that I provided above.  Then I delivered the ending, and as I always prefer to speak unscripted and spontaneously, this is approximately what I said:

“It doesn’t matter what your job is, how much money you make or how much money is in your bank account. It doesn’t matter what kind of car you drive, how big your house is or what town you live in. It doesn’t matter what your clothes look like or what the labels inside them say. Life by itself is essentially pointless. It is up to you to give it meaning. And all the people we care about, those that are with us today and those that are absent, all our family, all of our friends and our entire community; they are why we are here. We give meaning to each other’s lives. And that is what is truly important. That is what matters most."

And then with uncharacteristic brevity, I just thanked everyone and left the podium.

So I told my kids what I did and what I said. And they kind of understood the message intellectually but I didn't think it really resonated to their core. So I asked them this question. "If you were living in Haiti and came home to find a pile of rubble where your house had been, what would you dig for? Would you dig for your ipod or your macbook? For your new shirt or jeans? of course not, you would dig for your family, your friends or anyone else who might have been in the house. And you would not stop digging despite how tired you were or if your fingers were bleeding because those lives are our most important treasures." And then they got it. They really got it.